KISSY KISSY

Look guys we are not French!


And if you ask me, when it comes to kissing, you can tell.


I'm not talking passionate embraces here OR snogging behind the back of the bike shed.  
I am talking about the everyday meet and greet kinda stuff.  


I am sure I remember a day not so long ago that you could just say Hello and smile warmly when you met someone.  OR ... occasionally if you felt the urge, to shake their hand firmly and enthusiastically whilst making positive eye contact.  Yeah?  


But now, in this germ ridden, dull and wet season 2011, when everybody is having a battle with dry throats and snot, cold sores and spots, it seems that a gracious and welcoming greeting of the hands and the eyes is not enough.  It now seems that we have gone contibloodymental.  


Oh I hate it when its inappropriate ... especially with those that you meet and have only some vague connection maybe, a friend of a friend or So and Soh's Uncle Brian, and you find yourself having to go through the kissing thing ON YOUR FACE! AND to make it doubly bad, these days I'm finding that it's not ONE but BOTH cheeks.   
We are pretending to be either posh or European and we are not.


UGHHHH!  PLEASE GET OFF!


Quite often, neither person wants to but these days you feel you have to and before you know it you are kissing everybloodybody in the pub who is vaguely related to your pint.  
It won't be long before we are kissing the girl in the Supermarket behind the check out!


Surely its not only a ridiculously efficient way of spreading all these horrible clingy germathons but often an embarrassingly unsettling and clumsy affair.  We are not European ... we are the stoic and cold hearted BRITISH public we are!  We do not 'DO' kissing.  Or we didn't...... (Unless forced into a corner, preferably with some gorgeous individual who has given you some exciting warning that this might on their mind. Now that's another story!) 


I really don't like that knowing feeling when you are introduced to someone that whether you like it or not they are coming in for the kill.  Often the opposite sex and its as if they see an opportunity to lech.  You are cold and wet and have just arrived.  You have never met them before in your life and you will probably never meet them again.  All you want is to get to the bar once you have got the pleasantries out of the way.  In your mind you picture the scene that is about to take place and you think 'How on earth am I going to get out of this... just say Hello, smile and offer your hand. That's enough.'  But before you know it they have grabbed your hand, pulled you closer and puckered up their thin beery lips and are heading somewhere towards your mouth.   OH my Lord.  You can bet your cordon bleus that it often ends in an embarrassing head butting or nose bashing experience. 
You know what I am talking about... it's happened to all of us at some point.  And theres no getting out of it!


"STOP RIGHT THERE KIDDO! 
...I am sorry but I do not want to kiss you ... I just want to shake your hand, if that is,  you have washed them after going to the toilet and haven't scratched your balls in the last 5 minutes."  


Brilliant.
Can you imagine saying that?   Can you imagine their face?  Especially if it was a woman!


Me, I like to have a reason to kiss people.  Knowing them is a good start or at least feeling that you should know them or would like to know them.


A reason like 'OH ITS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!' or 'Oooh I fancy you.' OR ' Don't you just look great!' OR ' Oooh I am excited about today! Give us a kiss!' or even maybe 'I have known your Mother for years.' Kinda thing.


Maybe I am not a dry old stick. Hey No....I know about kissing... kissing can be brilliant!   
I can be continental when I wanna be Mmmmmm!?
I love giving my friends a kiss and sometimes a hug.... its lovely ... especially the hug bit.  And one kiss is nice... I am positively realistic about my origin and one meaningful and positive smack placed thoughtfully is enough for me Ta.  I have been known to actually say mid- kisses... 'Just the one good one thanks, I am a Northerner.'  But I feel I am losing my power and now having to kiss everybody in my path.... dribble, snot and all... TWICE!


SO... Lets bring back the hand shake and forget all this over friendly palava.   
Be honest... we aren't that good at it. Let kissing remain something special for moments of love.  A strong but gentle, firm and friendly shake is the way to a healthier and brighter future with less snot ... as long as you wash your hands! ;)  




Lou Kissy Wissy Woo.