THE THING!

Oh My Godddd... nature has got it in for me!  
First a night of clapping frantically as a 'Rat' thing launched itself around the kitchen in the BUSH ....but now....

SOMETHING landed on right on my neck in the middle of the night last night ... gave me the shock of my life.  I could tell it wasn't your average fly or spider, I could tell it was of the crustacean variety and had big legs!

I jumped up and frantically wiped this thing off my neck then realised as I fumbled for the light switch that it was on my tea shirt and crawling up again so ripped that off as I finally managed to find the light switch with the other hand.  

BUT when I frantically looked around wishing like mad I wasn't short sighted.... the 'THING' had completely disappeared and I stood there, on top of the bed thinking....OH MY LORD, What the XXXX WAS THAT! 

I stood there for 15 minutes thinking what now? I checked all the sheets and blankets and decided to keep the light on.  I was all for sleeping on the sofa but I thought don't be such a woozy GARDINER!  

Dreamt about RAT spotting with friends in a weird old hotel in Wales and when I woke up shattered, wished for the life of me I had seen something to prove I wasn't going mad! 

Anyway, I have had a relaxing morning, catching up on a bit of washing, had a nice shower, put on my only other item of clothing, a dress! and some tights, I look really posh but am just mucking around at A and J's on my day off. 
I went to put my boots on 5 minutes ago and yes you guessed it ....


I had located THE THING.
  

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I whipped my foot out faster than shit off a shovel. 
Everything I did from this point on was half controlled and half crazed. Call me dramatic but THINGS aren't my THING.   
I was simultaneously horrified and relieved that I had found it. 

I ran outside and frantically started unlacing the boot as the thing was wedged at the end hiding.  I ran down the drive and bashed the boot several times on the floor before THE THING eventually fell out. 


OH MY GODDD!   


I nearly died as this bloody scary looking insect with ducking talons and everything wibwobbled around on the floor!!!!!!  I know that we should respect God's creatures, that It was probably much more scared than me if it had a brain but frankly I didn't give a shit and I bashed it one with my boot before it had chance to jump up and grab my face.  


Obviously I ran like the clappers to get my camera for you guys..... 


THIS my friends is THE THING just before I bashed it one -

OH Lordy Be!  That is not funny! 
ITS GOT A FACE!!!!!!!! 
OH LORD.  
I have only just uploaded the photo and LOOK ITS BLOODY GRINNING!!!!!!  ITS GOT TEETH AND EVERYTHING!  LOOK!!!!


I swear on my life I have done nothing except crop this photo.
WHAT the XXXX is it?


Please don't tell me its a harmless cricket.


It will take me a while to get over this.  


I feel sick.






STILL ALIVE LOUIJI